Empowering YOU to change the world around you.

I am rarely ever at a loss for words these days, especially since I’ve overcome most of my personal struggles that at one time left me feeling as though I was living a pointless life.  I can now speak with the best of them; usually talking everyone into oblivion while forgetting the initial point of the conversation (insert laugh here).  My entrance into a crowded room usually starts off awkwardly as I navigate shyly until my comfort level settles.  Then, I’m no longer behaving like a fish out of water and am able to mingle with anyone in the room.  A few weeks ago I was stopped in my tracks and I saw God in action.

I had the pleasure of co-organizing and co-producing the 2012 Black Male Author Summit here in the Dallas area.  I and the co-organizer of the event had assembled a great mix of independent authors that we felt had something noteworthy to offer the buying public.  Each one of us embodied a unique entrepreneurial spirit and had attributes that spoke to our best abilities.  Egos were nowhere to be found and I was excited about what was to ensue.  At the recommendation of my co-organizer I was asked to also include a graphic artist by the name of Desmond Blair.  Without a quip I said “sure, we could use the diversity” as I am always eager to celebrate and magnify the talents of others.  As usual I performed my due diligence and performed research on each author as well as Desmond Blair.  I pride myself on being well-versed with people that I plan to share a creative space with and I was thrilled to find that each author had a unique story that led to their desires to be published.  My philosophy is that everyone’s story is valid therefore requiring exploration.

I happen to stumble across some very interesting information about Desmond Blair.  I realized that I had forgotten that my co-organizer had mentioned that Mr. Blair was born without hands.  Of course I’m thinking “how does he do what he do?” I immediately became intrigued with his story.  While performing my research I stumbled across a video clip that was part of a local news program’s coverage of his skills as a teacher.  Mr. Blair was instructing small children in a classroom setting and I noticed two things immediately while watching the video.  He moved within his gift so effortlessly and the children were at full attention.  He had the gift of captivation while just moving within his purpose.   While watching one of the video clips I heard him say “it’s ironic that someone with no fingers would have a passion for art”.   I was now excited to have someone of his caliber as part of my event.

The day of the event had come and I happen to be outside unloading my material and Mr. Blair was in the parking lot.  Silly of me to think that he must’ve had someone drive him to the venue because it was clear that he had stepped out of the drivers’ side.  There was nothing about his spirit or his movement that yelled “I’m not capable”.  I immediately became a fan of his energy and his passion.  Here I am, a thirty-eight year old man being instantly motivated by a young man that is just doing exactly what he was put here to do.

One of his friends, who also was a featured author at the event, had to help him carry some of his things but it was only because his hands were full.  Again, nothing out of the ordinary.  He proceeded to setup his displays and I found myself watching him operate in his craft.  If no one hadn’t told me before I would not have known that he had no hands.  Then I began to ask myself the obvious questions about his condition such as “how did he learn how to drive?” and “how does he brush his teeth?” Then I came to realize something that I tell everyone who complains about what they don’t have or can’t do and that is God always provides efficiency in the place of deficiency.  The absence of his hands is normal to him.  We are the ones that view it as abnormal.  Yet, he is able to create outstanding pieces of digital art and never speaks about his situation unless specifically asked.

His energy was obvious throughout the entire event.  His talent was effortless, which symbolized the movement of GOD through his handless arms.  The passion for his work was evident while surveying every action in his body.  As a coach I am able to pick up on the energy that is created when you deliberately walk in your passion.  There’s a smile that is unforced, a shine in your eyes that you can’t control and your body language confirms your confidence and joy as you allow God to speak through you to whoever is blessed at that moment to be a spectator.   I can almost guarantee that every patron that visited his station left extremely inspired and a little less worried about what they perceived as their own deficiencies.  I live for those moments of inspiration and I wish that there was a way to bottle it and freely give it to everyone I encounter.

Some of us have mastered the task of allowing God to speak through us and that mastery is made evident when one recognizes that their presence in this world intentional.  Every move you make is in response to something, whether it’s environmental or situational but NEVER at random.  There is a prayer that I say every morning when my eyes open and that prayer is “Thank you, God for waking me up.  May you work through my passion and purpose so that my deeds are less at random and more intentional”.  At that point I’ve made myself available to be magnified for the benefit of someone else.  When this happens you will find that you will perform tasks in a way that sometimes leave you wondering “what did I just do?”  Don’t worry; it was the embodiment of God that gave your purpose exponential value.  I haven’t seen nor spoken to Mr. Blair since the event but I need to thank him for bringing God into the room that day and for leaving an impression without intending to do so.  God spoke, we received the message, and now we move accordingly.  Move out of the way of your destiny and let go of the wheel.  Trust me when I say that someone else is willing to drive.

To find out more about Mr. Desmond Blair please visit http://blairmediadigital.com

Thanks to everyone who tuned into the first installment of Sit or Stand:  The Learning Series.

Take Me As I Am

This is Part 2 of 10 in this blog series and the assumption is that you’ve taken the time to resolve the baggage that was preventing you from being completely honest with yourself therefore preventing you from being completely honest with anyone else in your life.  You’ve determined that you have specific needs that are a direct result of resolved or unresolved battles as well as recognizing the fact that certain victories still feel as sweet as the day they were won.  These needs can and are probably related to the amount and type of attention you require, specific physical attributes that you find yourself naturally drawn to, they various types of temperaments that turn you on (and off for that matter), as well as attributes related to current educational and financial status.  You’ve also filled your cup (Part I) as much as possible before allowing other elements to taint your contents.  But, what happens when you finally come across someone that you think fits MOST of what you feel that your heart has desired for so long?  Sometimes, our attraction or infatuation for someone makes us want to compromise so that we may get or keep the object of our attraction in our good graces.  Unfortunately, this is one of the BIGGEST mistakes we make in the beginning of the dating process; shaping our output based on what we think that someone would expect from us.  The speech we gave ourselves and everyone about always “keeping it real” somehow evaporates when it is convenient or when our hormones cause us to lose sight of the real prize.

Whatever happened to you saying “take me as I am”?  You finally gained a clear understanding that you are by no means perfect in creation but that your attributes can be perfectly combined with the attributes of someone that best suits your lifestyle needs to create a harmony that is indescribable.  So, why sacrifice who you are just to be in the midst of someone that doesn’t make you feel comfortable being who you are, without apologies.  Sure, we should always leave room for change and compromise.  But, change and compromise should be seen as a benefit and not a guarantee.  I’m going to now switch the conversation to first person so that I can show how important it is to come as you are and to feel comfortable in what you bring to the table (what follows is by no means an actual representation of me but merely used for example purposesJ):

Take me as I am and as I stand before you because all of the changes or compromises I may speak of are conditional based on circumstances as well as resources. Your decision to proceed further means that you accept the fact that I may never change but that everything I present to you at this moment is acceptable to you, no questions asked.  If I do change it is on my watch and not yours.  Sure, I have goals but not every goal is meant to be completed.  I also have baggage that I am still working to either eradicate or manage how it affects my relationship with me and those around me.  I am a grown man and I am also a growing man that is becoming better.

“I accept my current place in the world and I feel that the world accepts me so I am in no position to fall back on the promises I’ve made to myself.  These promises include being faithful to what it is that I feel that I bring as a world contributor, taking care of my mental and physical needs, paying attention to where I may be needed, and to understand that if I believe in God then I also believe that my faith will carry me through times of hardship and confusion.  I’m not in search of a captain.  I am in search of a teammate that knows how to strike a balance between knowing when to help direct my focus and when to take direction.  There are strengths and weaknesses that are brought to the table.  The object of our communication of these strength and weaknesses is not to merely point them out but to discover ways of creating a presentation that plays up our strengths while covering each other’s weaknesses.  We should represent the muscle of the relationship as often as possible while understanding that there will be moments that our weaknesses will prevail.

I want someone who is willing to represent me in a positive light even when I am not in their presence and I promise to try to always live up to the same pledge.  So, please do not ask of me what you know is not natural to me and do not become upset  when I don’t end up meeting an expectation that should not have been expected in the first place.  If my presence in your life does not make you want to turn a blind eye to outside interference or temptation then it is obvious that you, nor I or ready to take this journey together. Taking me as I am means that you are insuring me that at this moment I am what you really want.  Instead of bashing me for my shortcomings you simply laugh at my quirks and turn a blind eye to what others may find irritating because you know that I have to afford you the same consideration.   We were not fabricated from clay therefore there is no going back to the point of our creation to attempt to create something new.  I am not your parent and you are not mine.  I have high hopes of becoming your best friend that listens with an open heart and without judgment because, again, I’ve accepted everything that you’ve shown me and I believed everything that you brought to the table; even those attributes that are not spoken but witnessed by the movement of your character.

Now, I give you the floor to speak.  I need to know what it is that you require from me as well.  Part of taking me as I am also means that you feel that I am able to meet most, if not all, of the requirements that you desire from a potential mate.  I need you to speak matter-of-factly instead of suggestively.  The confidence in your speak will keep me attracted to you and will increase the trust that I place in you because I know that you are speaking and moving from a place of honesty and heightened self-awareness.  Tell me the type of affection you require.  How often do you need it?  Do you enjoy receiving nice gifts or would you prefer to just have me in your presence?  What type of communication do you require in order to feel respected and heard?  Do you require time during heated discussions to gather your thoughts or are you ready to discuss anything at the drop of a dime?  Can I hold you while we sleep or do you prefer to be isolated on your side of the bed?  Coffee or tea? Oatmeal or grits? Do you prefer taking long road trips?  Yes, I know I ask a lot of questions but I have to be able to accept you as you are as I am hoping that you accept me as I am.  We will not know what we have to accept unless we communicate openly and effectively.

Hopefully, we will meet the obstacles presented by the expected learning curves with grace, respect, and the willingness to communicate appropriately.  We may become so syncopated that we start to speak for each other but we will never completely become mind readers.  So, take me as I am right now or face the fact that we are not meant to go any further.”

The last line of that conversation is VERY important because at some point we have to face the fact that we are not everyone’s type.  As time continues our personal attributes may change but the declaration of acceptance should be unwavering.  In parting, I advise you to move in the direction of building your self-worth so that it is less dictated by someone else’s acceptance of you because their acceptance is totally arbitrary.  Why place your esteem in the hands of something arbitrary when you can solidify your definition on your own?  Peace and blessings!

An Excerpt from Sit or Stand:  Living Successfully Beyond Your Shadows

Personal Pledge: Today, I make a promise to myself to begin to recognize what I need in order to fulfill my goals and expectations.  I will have trust in my support system and will listen to their advice with an open mind.  I will also recognize that I must remove all negative components of my support system and replace them with positive and viable resources.

I want you to take a moment to think about the last time you set out to complete a major goal in your life but may have slightly missed the mark.  You knew exactly what was required to reach that milestone and you gave it a hell of a shot but just couldn’t get past the clearing.  You may have fallen into the same trap that most of us do and that is to become caught up in the illusion that you can do any and everything alone, without any valuable assistance from anyone or anything at all.  The truth is that while we can definitely achieve some things alone we are definitely either dependent or codependent upon other resources to achieve almost all of our goals.  While some things can be achieved by performing all of the work on our own, there are certain tasks, usually larger endeavors, which require external assistance and ongoing support.  Entrepreneurs require clients, doctors require nurses and patients, and students require teachers.  It’s time to start considering your needs as it relates to reaching and maintaining your goals.

Most successful people require assistance.  This assistance can come in the form of coaches, mentors, teachers, assistants, and friends and family who have your best interest at heart.  Take some time and think back to your fondest memories during your childhood or teenaged years.  Those memories were probably occupied with other people such as a grandparent, parent, cousin, best friend, or even a school mate.  The feelings that make up those moments are feelings of security, dedication, obligation, and a kindred interest in your success.  There also exited a heightened level of trust that allowed these people to encourage you when you felt incapable of achieving your goals, applauding your success, and holding you to task when they felt that you may have done a disservice to yourself.  Without their love and support you may not have had the wherewithal to continue your journey of self improvement.  I’ve just described the components and the purpose of a healthy support system.

In case you don’t understand the definition of support let me attempt to clarify it for you.  Dictionary.com defines support as both a verb and noun, but I want to take a moment and work with the verbal definitions for a minute.  It means to hold up, sustain, endure, maintain, provide for, uphold, as well as advocate.  This means that any element of your support system should be able to perform at least one of these actions.  Another thing to note is that your support system does not include only people; it also includes resources that you require to obtain and sustain a healthy state of living.  For example, an environment that is conducive to success is vital to your personal success.  Also, a strong and healthy belief system can serve as a template for current and future goals by setting the precedent upon which your goals are built and pursued.  Other things, such as education, equipment, and even materials, can serve as your support system if it is serves a role in your positive development.

I am a firm believer in forming connections to things that are familiar and common.  As a coach practitioner, I find joy in assisting clients by using familiar imagery as a way to help my clients relate to what can be labeled as a natural approach to understanding the components of a support system.  A support system comprises elements that are codependent upon each other in order to create a cohesive and self-sufficient system.  When one part of the system falters it usually affects one or more other parts of the system.  Also, when one fragment of your system experiences significant growth it usually impacts your entire system in a positive manner.  Understanding this correlation allows you to understand the importance of creating the best support system that will assist you in achieving your goals.

I usually use a tree as my example when I discuss the composition of a healthy support system.  What comes to mind when you think of a tree?  The first thing that comes to my mind are the many variations of types of trees that can be found in nature with each one having a distinct set of characteristics that are distinguishable from every other tree.  Some of us think of an entire entity comprised of a trunk, limbs, and leaves that make up a complete organism.  Others take the time to make more granular observations as to how every component works together to create the end product.  By making granular observations we are able to determine how each small and irregular function is intermingled with another in order to create a successful system.  If one of those functions begin to act in an irregular manner it most surely will affect other functions in some way great or small.

Most trees require a healthy bed of soil as their first defense in growing healthy and robust.  As humans, our personal level of achievement is highly affected by the foundation from which our support system is fed.  Your foundation, or soil, includes your moral and spiritual beliefs, lessons learned by caregivers such as parents, as well as what you hold near to your heart that controls your most intimate decision making skills.  Our foundation is the most substantial component of anyone’s support system because it influences every other aspect that we allow to comprise our system.  Our judgment of people and relationships is profoundly affected as a direct result of a healthy or unhealthy foundation.  For example, my unresolved experiences with abuse resulted in my inability to detect any unhealthy attachments to other people.  Therefore, most of my support system was comprised of people and things that fed into my extreme need to feel a sense of belonging that proved to be very unhealthy.  I was wreaking havoc on my foundation.  Little by little I allowed poisonous actions to seep into my foundation and damage the core of my being.  Therefore, anything that continued to spring forth was tainted before it even had a chance to bloom.  I would later discover that those connections were in no way part of my support system.  If any member of your support system has a negative affect on your foundation then IT IS NOT a part of your support system and must be removed and replaced with a positive counterpart.

This is where embracing your truth plays a large part in strengthening your foundation.  When you accept your truth you begin to understand where the cracks and holes exist within your foundation.  Every beneficial and unbeneficial element of your foundation is brought to the forefront and now exist points of repair that you would’ve otherwise been unable to recognize.  Once the recognition takes place you are able to understand what it is that you need to fortify those weak spots in your foundation.  I once suffered from extreme low self-esteem so every time I allowed someone else to control my value I could feel my foundation growing weaker, as if I truly had no legs to stand on.  It became worse if that person left my life because as poisonous as it was, I felt I needed it even though it wasn’t beneficial.  Anyone’s foundation can suffer from wear and tear over time and circumstances but we have the ability to fertilize our foundation with important elements that provide us the emotional and physical nutrients that we need to grow stronger and healthier.  Positive nutrients can include such things as encouragement, honesty, and accountability.  These three elements provide the wherewithal for you to recognize when encouragement is required and the ability to be honest with yourself by holding yourself accountable for things that you can control and therefore possibly change.

I usually compare the spirit or soul of an individual to that of a tree trunk.  The trunk is considered the main part of the tree.  Depending on its appearance, one can judge the health of a tree by observing its trunk.  The same can be said about your soul.  Your actions, reactions, and moods are all manifestations of the health of your soul.  By making observations, others can get a sense of your overall emotional health.  What helps to determine the overall health of the trunk of a tree?  Its foundation, the types and amount of nutrients received, and the strength of its roots.  Your soul is one of the most important parts of your being so it’s highly important that we pay attention to what we feed our spirits, both consciously and subconsciously.  Dangerous thoughts tend to badger one’s spirit in hopes of prevailing.  Once the thoughts prevail it is that much easier for other dangerous thoughts and behaviors to take over.  At some point it can become so overwhelming that the dangerous thoughts become your reality.  Then, every decision and movement that you make is predicated on a bad set of ideals that become harder to reverse over time.

I previously mentioned that the roots are important to the development of a healthy tree.  The reason I say this is because the roots serve as the anchor and can prevent a tree from swaying under pressure.  The tree now has firm footing to grow straight ahead.  In our support system the roots can be compared to the important people in our lives that have made and continue to make great contributions to our spirit.  During those dark moments, I failed to remember the people in my life that played an instrumental part in developing my compassion for others and who tried their best to instill a great amount of self-respect, intelligence and sense of self-worth.  Those people included my grandparents, my mother, my beloved aunt, and a small group of family members.  These people served as my root system even when they had no idea that I spent most of my life suffering in the dark.  They had a natural way of uplifting me just enough to not allow me to sink into the darkest of places.  I had to learn to extricate anything and anyone that contradicted those feelings.  The hardest part of it all was to understand that to lose the negative influences in no way diminished the number of great elements that remained.

Who comprises your root system?  Is there anyone in your life at the present time that is able to provide the compassion, support, endorsement, honesty and encouragement that you require to flourish internally? If not, can you think of anyone in your past that may have provided that same level of commitment to your personal success such as a parent, family member, dear friend or mentor?  If so, then now is the perfect time to find a way to reintroduce them into your life and your growing level of confidence.  Your root system can include a hodgepodge of people from both your past and present so long as their contributions are clearly recognizable and functions positively when needed.   For a long time all I had to reference were my relationships with my close family members to cling to.  Over time I was able to rebuild my trust in people and began to make current connections that directly impacted my root system.  New friends who were as equally concerned about my well-being as I was about theirs, business partners and associates, and renewed connections with family members were now part of my root system.  I began to flourish at a faster pace and found that my dark moments were shorter in duration because someone was there to recognize them and attempt to pull me out of it.  In essence, they tolerated less from me than I did of myself and I could not have been more grateful.  Your root system should not only show compassion but also know when and how to hold you accountable for your own progress as well as assisting you in determining those situations that are either out of your league or otherwise unchangeable from your perspective.  So, take some time to recognize what it is that you need to flourish and look for those complimentary qualities in others when forming new associations.  Therapists and counselors are also great additions to your root system, especially if they are assisting you in your breakthrough and helping you to create positive channels inspiration.  Also, by reflecting these qualities upon others you are able to provide support and become a viable member of someone else’s root system.  The effect can rebound from person to person and you then become a valuable entity to someone else.

Now, we get to the part where some have had a somewhat hard time understanding.  We’ve discussed the foundation, root system, and the trunk of your tree.  We haven’t mentioned the branches.  Nearly every tree has branches that protrude from almost any angle from its trunk.  Branches are merely extensions of the trunk; therefore we can view our branches as being extensions of ourselves.  Branches are meant to be permanent until a catastrophic event causes severance of the limb or if we notice on our own that the limb is just an unhealthy or dead attachment that must be removed.  What comes to mind when you think about your own branches?  Think about what you project unto the world and how this affects whatever begins to extend from your spirit.  Things that come to mind for myself are bad personal relationships, unfavorable habits, and incomplete goals and dreams.  At one point in my life these were my branches.  They grew over time and, like branches, caught things that were meant to hit the ground.  I was unable to shake away the toxic elements because I felt that everything I came in contact with was worth keeping simply because I was afraid of losing something, whether it was good for me or not.  If bad energy was around me I was prone to catching some of it because my branches were conditioned to attracting it.  My low self-esteem was the catalyst for the growth of most of these branches.  As I sank lower and lower my branches grew longer and stronger, making recovery much more difficult.  So, no matter what I decided I didn’t want, my branches caught everything that my spirit attracted.  The great things fell by the wayside and hit the ground while my branches clung to the items that proved of no benefit to me.

Some of us travel through life not understanding that a great deal of what we have to work through is directly related to what we project unto the world and receive in return.  We usually spend more time looking for answers as opposed to paying attention to prevention.  You may know why something has happened but do you have any clue as to how to prevent it from happening again?  These questions are answered at a deeper level than some of us are willing to explore.  By recognizing the toxins in our spirit we come to understand the bottom line of our issues, whether through fault of our own or others.  At that point we can expel most of the toxins by instilling small changes to our point of view and our usual habits.  As the toxins are released we then begin to notice a change in the chemistry of our own branches.  The branches do not die and fall off.  Instead we notice a change in the way the branches behave and what the branches begin to attract.  No longer are we only attracting negative items.  We begin to attract more positive items to add to our inventory necessary for reinvention.  The negative items that we attract will lessen and we will have mechanisms in place to deal with the occurrence as it happens.  In essence we learn how to control the effects of the negative energy instead of waiting to come from under the darkness.  This part of your support system is directly related to your transformation process.

Your branches are what you present to the world as an extension of your character and are the most noticeable by others.  They can be comprised of actual people that exhibit the characteristics of what is good and not so good in your life such as friends that do more harm than good, different relationships that proved disastrous, or anyone associated with dismal points in your life.  Branches of these types can be severed either slowly or all-at-once but the decision has to be made as to whether or not these relationships are at all salvageable.  If there is room for salvage then recognize the parts of the branch that must be cut back before new and positive growth can begin because once a branch is cut the wrong way it never grows back.

We’ve moved up from the foundation all the way through to the branches.  Now, we get to the leaves of your tree.  Leaves come in different shapes, colors, textures, and sizes based on the type of tree from which they grow.  Also, some leaves are temporary while others are more permanent and can withstand most weather conditions.  How does the concept of leaves fit into our life landscape?  The leaves can represent the product of the interaction between you (the trunk) and the issues and circumstances that you project unto the world (the branches).  Think about a relationship or association that was more negative than positive?  The end result was usually unfavorable, right?  The reason this occurs is that the moment we attempt to include something in the equation that has a negative balance we have no choice but to receive a negative product.  Remember learning in school that negative multiplied by a positive is always negative?  The same holds true when negative energy encounters positive energy.  The interesting thing is that when negative energy encounters negative energy then the product is positive.

We have all witnessed particular relationships that made us wonder what was really going on.  To the outside world their interaction can be viewed as toxic but internally they are providing each other exactly what they need to feel functional within the relationship because both parties understand that they could not exist that way within a normal and healthy relationship and that they will feel out of place and overly judged.  In this case, the products of this interaction cause the leaves of their branch to whither or fall off.  This indicates that the branch from which the leaves are forming is somehow not conducive to positive growth.  When we start forming positive relationships, first with our inner self and then with others, we will start to see a variety of positive results.  These results can be represented by leaves of either an evergreen or seasonal nature.  Evergreen leaves are results that are long-lasting, such as a renewed sense of purpose, a long-term relationship, or a career move that proves to be somewhat life –changing.  Seasonal leaves can also represent positive results with specific time duration such as finishing a rewarding household project, helping someone overcome a particular issue, or making a purchase that required time to plan for and to save.  This scenario can also be applied to personal relationships.  Sometimes we fail to recognize the fact that some attachments must be severed after the usefulness has expired.  A prime example is friendship.  We find that we have lifelong friends as well as those that served a purpose during a particular phase in our lives.  It’s safe to say that as you evolve into becoming who you are meant to become that some friends will not prove as beneficial.  What you may require of friendship at eighteen may be totally different from what you may require when you approach thirty.  You have to learn to be ok with those changes and understand that it doesn’t speak ill of you as a person if your needs for enjoyment and fulfillment begin to change as it relates to positive growth.

Overall, leaves are the final product of your entire support system and are one of the most personal aspects of the system because it is reflective of everything that you exude either directly or as a product of yourself and another entity.  The health of your leaf system is dictated by the functionality of the rest of the system.  Think of it as outward projection.  Every emotion, grudge, unsettled issue, and moment of joy and excitement will be portrayed through this system.

Now that you understand the significance of a sound and stable support systems as well as being honest in regards to living in your truth you are able to better recognize what is required to fulfill your emotional needs.  As a result, you are able to make better choices in regards to whom and what occupies our support system.  Also, expectations are now easier to form and propagate amongst your entire support system because you’ve taken the invaluable time required to recognize what works best for you in particular situations.  At that point, members of your support system understand what is expected of them and how to react in time of need.  In addition, you will more than likely become a member of someone else’s support system because you have learned how to listen to yourself and recognize the positive contributions that you can offer to someone else.  Your support doesn’t necessarily have to be given to the people who supported you.  Yet, you can honor their contributions to your life and the achievement of your goals by becoming a highly functioning vessel for someone else.  Always remember that the man that believes that he acts alone is the man that is selfish to the needs of others.

You can purchase your copy of Sit or Stand from your online or local newsstand.

FILL YOUR OWN CUP FIRST

(Please Pardon The Formatting Errors!)

  This is the first of a series of blogs that I plan to write as it relates to establishing proper dating protocols, maintaining the momentum, and dealing with specific issues in a realistic manner.  I came up with Fill Your Own Cup First out of a need to proclaim the importance of self-fulfillment and self-awareness before taking on the various challenges of dating and establishing romantic relationships with others.  When you make every attempt to fulfill those requirements that make you feel as complete as possible you will find that the burden you place on others will be lessened.  In addition, you will become better equipped to make more rational decisions in the beginning that are strictly based on elements that complement who you are as opposed to details that you feel will make or break your ultimate happiness.  Presenting yourself as a complete and decisive entity sets the standard for how others will perceive you and your intentions.  Hence, a fuller cup leaves you more empowered while a lesser filled cup leaves you more vulnerable to be filled with situations that you cannot control.  This process is very critical to the PRESENTATION STAGE of any relationship.  You get more of what you want when you are clear on what you want and are able to communicate those desires.  This blog will define three elements that are critical in the presentation phase:  LEARN TO ENJOY YOUR “ALONE-NESS”, SET YOUR STANDARDS AND STICK TO THEM, and BE REALISTIC ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT/NEED

1. LEARN TO ENJOY YOUR “ALONE-NESS”:  Often times, we tend to not understand the power that is harnessed when we are able feel complete even when we are alone.  Part of feeling complete when you are alone is actually telling yourself and believing that you can enjoy your own company and that you are available to learning more about yourself as time progresses.  Think about this for a moment.  If you don’t enjoy your own company then why would it seem plausible that someone else would?   Are you afraid of finding out that everything that everyone has said about you, both positive and negative, is true?  It is critical to establish a relationship with ourselves that allows us to be completely honest with even when that honesty results in anger and tears.  Those same tears and that same anger can transform you into a presence that is dictated by a clear knowledge of what you bring to the occasion as opposed to everything and everyone that came before you.  Also, learning to be happy even when you are alone also speaks to your ability to “come as you are” more often than not.  You will tend to make fewer excuses for your character because you understand that your character doesn’t have to fit every situation, which is perfectly fine.

This is also the perfect time to get rid of unrealistic expectations.  Some of you know exactly what I’m referring to but won’t admit that it is one of the leading causes of the breakdown of some relationships.  These types of expectations are usually a direct result of unresolved personal issues such as a bad romantic relationship, issues with family, or any other turmoil that created a need that you somehow feel has to be balanced within another relationship.  This alone time is the perfect opportunity to choose enact forgiveness for yourself and for the issues that sit at the root of all of your unrealistic expectations.  No one else can make up for anything that someone else has done to or against you.  It’s not as easy as it sounds but making the effort to do so begins the process of resolving the issues as much as possible.  Granted, we all have baggage but would you rather go into your next relationship with a toiletry kit or an expensive set of luggage that you find hard to part with?   Some of us are so used to our baggage that we are afraid to part with it because it has clearly defined most of our relationship behavior.  Remember, the more you tote is the more that you have to unpack before you can really feel settled in your new environment (relationship).  Furthermore, you deny others the opportunity to recognize who you really are because you’re packed so tightly underneath all of the rubble of yesteryear.  It’s usually the person on the other end left holding the shovel when it’s not their job to dig you out of your own mess.  RECOGNIZE the issue, FORGIVE occurrence, and PUT THE GARBAGE TO THE CURB FOR PICKUP.

Many of us believe that we send our best representative to the front of the line when meeting new people.  This is partly due to a need to feel validated and favored by others but not realizing that sooner or later our authentic selves will eventually and always shine through, usually at the most inopportune moments.  When you are at peace with who you are at any given moment you establish a protocol that states “I’m going to be exactly who I am at this moment while still being available to positive change”.  Then, you will find yourself less likely to bend to appease just for approval.  You may come to find that you are the type that requires more hands-on time than others or the one that requires less personal interaction than the average person.   Either way, there is extreme power in being able to not only understand that but to also be able to communicate that to others as well.  At that moment you set the standard for your side of the initial interaction and the person can either choose to accept or not.  If they walk away it should not change who you were at that moment.  You only change when you feel that you may have unrealistic expectations.  Understand that you will always have the capacity for change but it can be on your terms and whenever that change makes sense for you.  It really is a take it or leave it stance but one that is built in confidence as opposed to disrespect.  We have a higher tendency to accept people for who they are.  The problem exists when we find out things that we should have known beforehand and that we feel could have been easily communicated either verbally or through body language.

1. SET YOUR STANDARDS AND STICK TO THEM:  What’s the use of having standards if they seem to bend as frequently as blades of grass in the wind?  The best time to establish what you may require from others is when you are alone.  It is because you are able to think, without outside influence, about your past experiences and create a model for the “ideal” person that you hope to spend a considerable amount of time with.  The biggest mistake we make is attempting to create this image when we are in the midst of a new relationship.  This is hazardous because the image is largely influenced by infatuation and not pure rational.  We should all learn when not to make emotional decisions.  They are good at times but not always good when you are trying to establish what you require and who you desire to be with.   These decisions turn into standards that are easier to apply in the beginning.  If you are confident in your standards then one can only respect them.  They may not like your standards but no one says that the next person has to agree with them.  They are yours.  If you stick to them then it sends a signal to the other party that you are serious about your end of the bargain.  If your standards are unrealistic you will more than likely find out sooner as opposed to later, but you have to start with something.  Again, set them and stick to them.  Your standards can always be updated but you should still always stick to them no matter what version is currently being applied.  If not, you wind up wondering how you ended spending so much time trying to make something  work that had no business being in your realm of reality.  I usually advise my single coaching clients to develop a 3-column list that will help them decide very quickly as to whether or not someone will pass go and collect $200 or hit the freeway.  Let me break down the three columns for you:

• Must Haves:  Interestingly enough, this column is comprised of those great qualities that we’ve had the pleasure of experiencing from our past relationships while still holding out on those qualities and actions that we HOPE that we are able to experience with our ideal partners.  Everyone we have chosen to interact with up to this point had to have at least one good quality about them that attracted us to that person.  You should not negate those qualities just because the relationship didn’t work.   The dissolution of the relationship probably had nothing to do with those great qualities.   Examples of qualities that can go on this list are:  Spontaneity, moderately affectionate, blond or brunette, over 5’9, a certain financial status, or even a minimum educational level.  While a couple of the examples may provoke a laugh or a frown your must-haves are not always up for debate because it is your list and you should not care whether one approves of it or not..   You should be as detailed as possible.  Overall, your list of Must Haves will probably grow as you become more in tune to what it is that will make you happy being with someone else.
• Negotiables:  This column is comprised of actions or qualities that may need further exploration before you decide whether or not you can proceed.  For example, some people feel that infidelity is a negotiable event based on whether or not it resulted in a relationship on the side or a one-night-stand.  This may not be true for you so do not include this under this column if you know for a fact that it is a no-go for you.  Overall, your list of negotiables is a list that displays under which terms you are most flexible and considerate.
• Deal Breakers:  This column is comprised of actions and qualities that, as of now, are complete deal breakers for you.  If someone displays a quality or action that is on this list then you know immediately that the relationship, whether in the exploration or commitment phase should be canned.

1. BE REALISTIC ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS:  Simply put, be realistic about your intentions and feel confident when stating them.  For example, if you’ve just ended a six-year relationship then it is unrealistic of you to believe that you are open to another long term relationship right away.  You may very well be ready to date without commitment or even have an occasional fling here or there but don’t attempt to get in something that you know that you aren’t ready for.  Also, do not attempt to sway others to connect with you by lying about your true intentions.  Respect is given on both sides of the coin when both parties can come with honesty.  The other person may have wished that your answer was different but they have no choice but to respect you.  You also end up showing more respect for yourself by not getting into situations that you cannot handle.  If you have a rule such as not having sex outside of a relationship then state that as well.  As a matter of fact, feel free to state anything that you feel will allow for the best opportunities for interaction.  That way, no one is caught off guard or shocked in the middle   The same can be said if you are intent is to get married.  It is perfectly fine for you to date with the intention of getting married.  At some point you will have to make that clear to the other party.   That doesn’t mean that you are going to marry the first person that knocks on your door.

The reverse of this process is to ask for and listen to the intentions of the other person.   We’ve all made the mistake of hearing what we wanted to hear as opposed to hearing what is actually being said.  Part of the Filling Your Cup process includes bringing to the table a heightened level of realism that helps to prevent the occurrence of smoke and mirrors as much as possible.  You will learn to see through things that other people think that they are pulling over on you as you traverse through the dating process.   We all know that false hope leads to major disappointment.  So being able to employ the belief that you can walk away from a situation that doesn’t fit your current or future desires is powerful, especially when you believe that your cup was full before someone else entered YOUR picture.

(an excerpt from Sit or Stand:  Living Beyond Your Shadows)

Sometimes, the biggest deterrent in our efforts to move forward is our inability to move past the curve balls that life can and will toss our way.  Everyone handles these occurrences differently.  Some of us instantly switch gears with the end goal remaining intact while others begin to sink slowly in quick sand because they feel imprisoned in indecision.  I’d like you to take a moment and think back to your last major road trip, either as a driver or passenger.  You more than likely attempted to assure  the success of your trip by equipping yourself and your vehicle with more than the essentials such as a well-inflated spare tire, first aid kit, some food for travel, a flashlight, and enough cash and credit on hand just in case of an unexpected emergency.  With possible detours and sharp curves abound you confidently brave the course that leads to your final destination.  You will more than likely also encounter several stop signs and signal lights along the way but you react to them as you usually do, with confident precision.  The interesting thing is that most of us find it difficult to maneuver the detours and blockades in our lives.  In most cases it boils down to your perspective of your situations.

There is something to be said about the power of positive thinking and how it can make such an impactful difference between merely living and living successfully.  Most of us go through our lives bearing obvious scars of occurrences and incidents that happened in our past that present obstacles and detours as it relates to our ability to have a successful future.  In essence, our self-worth and esteem becomes stunted and we are sometimes no longer able to progress in an upward-bound manner.  We allow external forces and influences dictate that which we deserve and in turn, we subconsciously program ourselves to behave in a manner that only returns the rewards of a limited vision.

That WAS my story not long ago.   My childhood and early adulthood were peppered with traumatic experiences and personal setbacks.  After so many years of “conditioning” I believed that I was only capable of achieving no more than what I had already achieved, mostly because I had no reason to believe that I was worthy of anything else that amounted to any real significance.  This view of was perpetuated in my friendships and romantic relationships.  It also prevented me from being able to create beneficial business and social relationships that would later prove vital to my current success.   The bad relationships were ok with me because I felt I deserved them.  The friendships that I created were totally dictated by the other parties involved.  Basically, I was going along for the ride as long as someone was willing to have me around.  Their voice became my voice.  Their mannerisms and behavior became mine just so that I could maintain the feeling of worthiness while in their presence.

Then, the day came when I was laid off from a great consulting position a couple of years ago.  I had only one day’s notice and there was no clear answer to the problem in sight.  I was jobless with a kid to take care of and a home to maintain.  Externally, I was the strong and resilient person that I fooled everyone into believing I was.  Internally, I was a basket full of negative emotions and uncertainty.  I immediately started thinking about my bleak future and what would remain of my life had I not found a job soon enough.   Would we be homeless?  Would I have to return to my hometown in Louisiana and live with parents while I tried to make sense of my life all over again?  Would I have to beg for assistance?  How soon would it be before we went hungry?  All of these questions repeated themselves almost daily and without reprieve.   I started job hunting to no avail and the mental anguish grew stronger.  I felt I no longer had control of anything in my life.  The interesting point to this story is that I had money available from a savings account that I started the year prior which was enough to sustain us for at least three months or so.  So, why was I already planning my demise well ahead of any chance that I might be able to rebound?  It was because I could only see as far as what I felt I deserved.  Once the negative thoughts invaded my mind I slowly began to program my actions to reflect my thinking.  Therefore, I was reacting in anticipation of my limited view of success.  This clearly was not the mindset of a successful forward thinking individual.  I was, at the time, sealing my own coffin.

Some time had passed and I began to think about everything that I felt I was halfway good at.  I enjoyed talking to people and I always found joy when I was able to help others find solutions to a problem or at least point them in the right direction.  I also began to think about the adversities in my life and how I was able to navigate beyond them to live a productive life.  Granted, I still had a few personal issues that needed resolution, but I found that I was no longer living as a victim.  I became excited by the prospect that one day I would be able to manage every issue that currently existed in my life while being able to deal with other issues as they presented themselves.  Then, I rediscovered my love for writing but I was no longer interested in writing poetry or short stories.  I wanted to write things that would positively impact the lives of others.  I wanted to be an author.  But, I had to change my perception of my future.  I was still stuck in the feelings of inadequacy so I was unable to write anything that I felt made since.  I struggled for weeks trying to find the rhythm I needed to at least begin this journey but the steam would run out just as quickly as it had gathered.  Once again, I was stopping myself in my own tracks.

Soon, I began to realize that all of the major deterrents in my life had one common and major denominator.  Me.  There was no one else telling me I could not achieve anything.  In fact, I can remember people encouraging me along the way but I had conditioned myself to think that I would always react and live as a victim to my adversities.  I had to reprogram my view of my self-worth and esteem to believe what everyone else believed which is that I had the potential to be successful.  But the potential has no purpose without ACTION.   Once I made the connection I noticed that I was able to foresee my future in more astonishing tones as opposed to the bleakness that had existed prior.  I hadn’t written a single word yet but I believed that I was going to be an author.  Not just an author, but a successful author that was going to change the lives of all of those that read what I was going to write.  I felt like a bird about to take its first flight.  I knew I was born to do it but now I had to train myself to believing that I could actually do it.  I had no concept or title for the book but I had mustered up enough courage to write my first five pages in one sitting.  It was as if the heavens opened up and gave me the courage and belief that I had always felt was beyond my reach.  I did it on my own.  I controlled how I performed in my current state and how that performance would dictate my future success.  I was writing my own story and setting the tone for writing my future story.  I had never known how it felt to do something without it being influenced by someone else’s perception of me.  Indeed, it was liberating.

I began to apply these concepts to anything I desired.  Now, I no longer wait for confirmation from any other source before I follow a dream or aspiration.  I perform research, plan effectively, and present the picture of success even before anything has been done.  If I want to attract the energy of other successful people I have to behave as they do and be open and receptive to the guidance and inspiration that can come of it.  My energy became so pronounced that I no longer had to approach others for help, it was being offered to me and most times without me even trying to garner it.  I learned that I was automatically behaving as if I was worthy of the attention.  I had successfully reprogrammed my train of thought and now my thoughts of success are automatic.  This type of thinking is not only beneficial in business but can be applied to every facet of your personal life as well.  Simply put, you must become what you want to attract therefore believing that you are worthy of deserving it as well.

Obstacles in life will present themselves as usual but with the right mindset and a great support system you will be able to handle those that are within your control and manage those that are not.  For example, I set out to become a life coach.  The obstacle for me was that I had no clientele that I could use to build my coaching practice.  So, I decided to offer my services for free to friends and associates that I felt could benefit from them.  Most of the offers were rejected but I still kept the faith that I would become a practicing life coach.  After a few weeks of persistent offering, I was able to land three clients for whom I rendered services on a pro bono (free) basis.  The only requirement I had was that they write a testimonial to attest to my services and the positive results for which my services were responsible.  They received what they needed at no cost to them but the value of having positive clientele is immeasurable.  I had no problem giving before I was able to receive.  If you believe in yourself you should also understand that your time to be justly rewarded for your hard work will come.

Successful people can be viewed as forward thinkers or visionaries that are able to envision what some of us cannot fathom or otherwise afraid to believe.  They traverse this world seeking opportunities for growth and they require upward mobility in order to sustain their presence in the universe.  Also, their reactions are of a proactive nature, in hopes of preventing failure, as opposed to only reacting when failure is abound.  They also anticipate some realistic amount of failure but the effects of the failures are rebuffed by their resilience, determination, and the belief that they are in fact worthy of the success that they have envisioned.  They have become what they desire.  Once this happens, they are able to more easily attract those elements that make them successful and are willing to perform the work necessary to be perceived as successful even before they truly are.  Success can be seen as a set of positive actions that lead to a positive result, an image that speaks to the very things that they require to maintain that success, and the wherewithal to know that periodic failures SHOULD NOT equate to total failure but reveal fantastic opportunities for reflection and learning so that the failures can either be eliminated or dealt with.  Success is indeed an attractive energy that tends to only fair well with other similar energies.  Otherwise, it is perceived as intimidating or standoffish but that is only because positive forward thinkers tend to deflect the negative energy of anything that goes against their aspirations.  That deflection is then seen as a reflection of inadequacies to the people that bare the negative energy.

If I can encourage you to do anything at all it is to dream the biggest of dreams and challenge yourself to push the limits of your imagination.  There is no penalty to pay or any cross to bear by simply dreaming.  Those same big dreams may eventually turn to goals.  Goals are simply dreams with a plan of action that provide a clear path for success.   When growing up in the projects I rarely found myself dreaming of anything beyond that wrought iron territory.  My biggest dream was to become a rich entertainer so that I can move my entire family out of the projects and off of welfare and food stamps as well as helping those that were also in need.  But, I didn’t BELIEVE in the dream because I had no idea that it could be more than just a dream and I lived in a “what if” kind of world.  Dealing with that and other adversities conditioned me to believe that I was only worthy of what was immediately available and that by far wasn’t much at all.  Eventually, I would learn the hard way that when all of the painful and negative situations subsided I was still left with only one person to deal with and that is me.  Even when the good times and great fortune subsided I was still left with only myself.  So, the common denominator in your success and your failures is you.

If you’ve spent the majority of your life being your worst critic and analyst then now it’s time for you to become your biggest cheerleader.  Learn to acknowledge yourself for a job well done without always requiring the acknowledgement from others.  Even the smallest of your achievements deserve recognition.  By giving yourself recognition you will then transform yourself into a motivational machine that will work primarily in your favor.  So, even in those moments where no one else acknowledges your positive contributions at least you can fall back on yourself for encouragement.   They will begin to take notice of your positive contributions as soon as you are able to celebrate them and project them outwardly into the world.  You will then behave in a way that welcomes success.  In addition, you will learn to not be intimidated by information and you will begin to speak highly of yourself.  Worthwhile opportunities will only present themselves when you act in a deserving manner.   For everything you feel that you can’t do just ask yourself “why can’t I?”  Either you’ll find that you had the ability to do it all along or that you have work to do in certain areas of your life so that you will be able to do it at some point.

Now comes the part where I leave the work up to you.   I suggest to everyone I meet that they have some means of recording their thoughts and aspirations.  I usually use my computer or my phone’s voice recorder but you can use a tape recorder or pen and paper.  The importance of this process is to understand exactly what it is that you aspire to achieve.  Most times the thoughts that remain only in our heads are never truly validated because allow no room for judgment even if it comes from ourselves.  I want you to take fifteen minutes out of your day just to focus on your dreams and aspirations.  Turn off the television and the radio and turn off your cell phone.  Get a cup of your favorite coffee, tea, wine, or whatever makes you feel at ease.  You owe it to yourself to be as self aware as you can possibly be for this process.  Now that you are comfortable I want you to go to a clean page in your notebook or journal and begin to write as many aspirations that you can.  Don’t worry about how realistic they are at this point.  Just write.  Allow yourself the privilege to be as bold and eager as possible.  This is your life we are talking about so treat your dreams with the utmost respect.  I want you to learn to not be afraid to think boldly and to imagine yourself at the pinnacle of success.  Does this mean that you will achieve all of your dreams?  Absolutely not, but as your list of dreams and aspirations increase so will your probability of belief in yourself.  Why have only three dreams when you can have twenty three?  Broadening your scope also increases your probability of success and tells the world that you now expect nothing less than excellence from yourself.  Remember, success is not only found in the end result.  It can also be found in the best attempt to reach the end result.  So, even if you fail at completing the goal, you can STILL be successful in knowing that you gave it your best shot and nothing works better at raising your self-esteem and self-worth than simply trying.  You will graduate from TRYING to DOING.  Everything you set your mind to do will no longer bear the question of “can I do it?”.  Your only question will be “how will I do it?”  This list becomes your benchmark as to what you feel you are capable of achieving and what you feel that you deserve out of this life that you have been blessed to live.

Think out of the box and dare yourself to stand out in a crowd and learn to translate your confidence both consciously and subconsciously.  Lift your shoulders and walk with a posture that tells the world that you have finally arrived and speak with affirmation and confidence.   You will set the tone of your future interactions as soon as you enter a room or when your mouth opens to speak of your desires.  Also, you will be treated according to how you treat yourself and if the treatment given to you by others does not sit well with you then you have every right to address it and make your requirements known.  This is by no means rendering you unapproachable.  Rather, you are setting clear expectations to which you can hold yourself and others accountable.  In addition, you must learn to be ok with what you don’t know but be ready to do what is necessary to gain the knowledge you need to advance to new heights.  Also, it is necessary to feel comfortable to expand your comfort zone.  Take risks that will expand your circle of possibilities and always remember the people and resources that helped you get to where you are.  They complete your support system and at times you may call on them when you need additional affirmation.

Finally, I’d like to mention the importance of self affirmation.  Affirmation is defined as a declaration of something as truth.  A positive affirmation allows you to will or speak something positive into existence.  It truly is mind over matter but more importantly it is about defining the belief that you have within yourself.  Often times, we are guilty of counteracting our ambitions with self-doubt and usually the self-doubt becomes the dominating energy.  Success begins within your spirit and it is a personal agreement that you make within yourself.  Without it, you will not be able to enjoy the success that is inherently yours because you will doubt that you deserve and begin to question the motives or intentions surrounding the success.  Understand that you were born with an inherent right to achieve greatness but we sometimes succumb to the result of our circumstances and believe that those results should dictate the path that our lives must take.  The following shows how you can combat your feelings of self-doubt by applying statements of self affirmation:

Negative statement:

“I can’t do this”

Positive question:

“Why can’t I do this?”

Negative statement:

“I feel incomplete”

Positive statement:

“I am a complete person at this moment in time”

Negative statement:

“I shouldn’t try”

Positive statement:

“I have everything to gain by trying”

In parting, I would like to reiterate that success is by no means segregated to particular groups of people and is not determined by your predisposition to situations thus far.  You have the power to rewrite your story by understanding your history and allowing the strength that has allowed you to persevere to serve as the same strength that takes you ten steps closer to the destiny over which you have complete control.  Love yourself enough to want the best for yourself, treat others as you would like to be treated, and be open to providing the same motivation that has been offered to you as you continue your journey unto greatness.  Lastly, remember that you are what you THINK you deserve.

2011 is upon us and, as usual, most of us are attempting to stay committed to promises of a better way of living or simply the attainment of new things in our lives. It is common for us to envision the start of a new year with renewed vigor, motivation and creating what seems to be the ideal TO DO list. We are anxious to ring in the New Year at the stroke of midnight on January 1st and figure that THIS year is THE YEAR for change. The truth is that every day should be viewed as one more day available for us to make some type of worthwhile change in our lives whether it is great or small. The numbers of gym memberships tend to spike drastically around December and January . Fitness gear seemingly flies off the shelves. Smokers begin to invest in initiatives aimed at quitting smoking. While all of these activities can create positive and life changing results, some of us fall short at completing these goals for various reasons. I’ve taken the time to construct a detailed list comprised of 10 tips that I feel will help ensure your success as you begin to change old habits and create new and positive changes for yourself and those around you.

1. Treat each resolution as its own goal:
Oftentimes, we tend to perpetuate the hype surrounding New Year’s resolutions when we stop treating the resolutions just as any other goal. Try using terminology such as Self Improvement for 2011. Doing this takes away the sting and removes the unnecessary anxiety associated with the goals we set for the forthcoming year. The less pressure you can inflict upon yourself is very critical to your success in terms of meeting your goals.

2. Document and verify your goals:
I often advise clients that it is highly beneficial to document your thoughts because it allows for the validation of how you view yourself and the world around you. The same goes for creating goals. It is highly recommended that you take the time to transfer your list of goals from your head to paper or electronic form so that it can be archived and retrieved when necessary. Then, you are able to view your intentions more objectively. You may find that some of your goals are either malformed or unrealistic, therefore providing an opportunity for you to revise your goals until they are more realistic. Remember, your goal is to create goals that are achievable.

In addition, you want to make sure that you consider the resources required to complete each goal. Ask yourself the basic question “What do I need to complete this goal?” The answer could be money, equipment, people, or even medical intervention. For example, if your goal is to take a cross‐country road trip in May of the current year you have ask yourself if you have or will have everything you require for such an excursion. If you currently are unable to drive then the more realistic goal would be to learn how to drive first. Employing these methods of validation allows for the creation of a list of goals that are more in sync with your current abilities as well as those abilities that may be enhanced in the near future.

3. Remember that all goals require a plan:
Now is not the time to get all gung‐ho and attack each and every goal at the same time. Your likelihood of success by operating this way is probably next to none. There is no written rule that every goal for the New Year must begin on January 1st. Take into consideration that your current responsibilities are unlikely to change so drastically that you will have the bandwidth to work on each goal simultaneously. Some of us are parents, student, and spouses. Some of us hold all three of these responsibilities and they are unlikely to change in the very near future. First, you must recognize your current state of living and decide which conditions provide room for change such as a reduced work schedule, hiring a sitter, or decreasing your class schedule. Also, understand when these conditions do not provide the room for change you may have expected and except it as it is.
Finding the pace that works for you is the key to your success. For example, if your goal is to join a gym and become more fit then you have to decide just how much time you have available to invest in the physical requirements of this goal. This not only includes working out. This also includes time for travel to and from gym, as well time to shower and freshen up afterwards. Given these constraints you may find that it is easy for you to visit the gym after work as opposed to going before work, especially if you are responsible for getting yourself and someone else prepared for work, school, or daycare in the morning. In other words, do not set yourself up for failure by not understanding your own constraints.
Finally, decide which goals can be either attempted simultaneously or require isolation and the most of your attention. It is true that we have the ability to multitask but there is a difference between multitasking and doing the impossible. For example, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to take on a part time job while working full time to supplement your savings for a down payment for a new home and at the same time attempt to commit to another goal that requires more time than you have available. The goal is to stay motivated by doing what you can manage without hitting a wall and resulting in your choice to stop completely.

4. Recognize when a resolution is in fact a lifestyle change:
Often times we begin the quest of enacting New Year’s resolutions with great vigor and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, we mistakenly sometimes view most or all of these resolutions as temporary or otherwise limited to a specific time frame. Most goals that we set for the New Year can be considered lifestyle changes that we must approach more realistically. The following goals are examples of what can be considered lifestyle changes as opposed to just a temporary alteration of your usual schedule:
• Saving money to buy a home: You want to be able to commit to saving money because buying a home is usually more costly than just saving for a down payment. Unlike renting, you should expect additional expenses such as property tax and insurance, home and landscape maintenance, and other unexpected conditions. Remember, this is YOUR home now and you are responsible for every brick and nail.
• Weight Loss: This goal can be tricky because we begin to set a goal based on a number of pounds that we’d like to lose. The number alone can be overwhelming, especially when we do not notice the change as soon as we’d like. It can lead to a decrease in motivation and sometimes even depression. My advice is to simply consider changing the goal to a healthier lifestyle which includes permanent changes to your dietary plan as well as introducing elements of exercise that you can manage. In turn, you should expect to not only lose weight but to improve your overall physical output and enjoyment.

5. Understand that PATIENCE truly is a virtue during this time:
Research states that a habit takes at last three weeks to form. So, do not be dismayed if you find it extremely difficult to enlist the changes required to meet a certain goal. This is a test of your will power but should not be viewed as a possible deterrent to your success. Dietary changes serve as a great example. If you regularly frequent carry‐out or fast‐food restaurants at least four times a week you may want to slowly wane yourself off of the habit by reducing the frequency each week. So, instead of visiting a fast‐food restaurant 3 times a week you can decide to visit only twice in the first and second week and substitute the missed visit with a healthy meal. By the third week you should be able to decrease the frequency down to once per. The same goes for forming a habit. In regards to saving money I would not suggest attempting to save your ideal amount in the beginning. This is because we grow accustomed to the money that we have available thus causing somewhat of a shock to our system if we drastically reduce the amount of available funds. If your goal is to save $100 per pay period you may want to start with $20 and increase the amount with each pay cycle until you reach your goal. Also, try utilizing direct deposit and creating a type of bank account that includes penalties for early or multiple withdrawals. This allows for more accountability on your part.
Learn to pace yourself. There is no requirement that states that you must perform everything at full throttle at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Day. You have twelve months ahead of you so do yourself a favor and allow yourself to build up the momentum so that it is not such a shock to your system and prove disastrous as you attempt to be successful.

6. Seek advice from people who have done or are doing what you hope to learn to do:
It is very important that you seek role models who exemplify the behavior that you are hoping to emulate. Sometimes seeing the process in action or the end result is the motivation that lights the fire under our own feet. One method of motivation may work for one person but not for everyone so it is important to seek the motivation in a way that makes you more receptive to accepting and applying it to your life. Also, networking comes in handy during this process. You can start by joining social groups or attending functions that cater to what you hope to accomplish. For example, Toastmasters is a great organization which caters to the advancement of people that wish to sharpen their public speaking skills. The internet can prove most valuable in the networking process and only takes a few minutes to find what you need either in your local area or as a part of an online community.

7. Form a reliable support system:
A healthy support system is one of the most important components that can greatly improve your ability to stay on course with achieving your goals. This type of support system will provide the following benefits: support to your esteem, accountability, and encouragement. You will undoubtedly have days where your determination will sway from high to low so it is always great to have a network of people to rely upon in those times of emotional need. The simple change to your lifestyle can be hard enough so don’t attempt to do it alone if you absolutely do not have to. You can begin forming your support system by considering people whom you know will have your best interest at heart but that are also honest enough to share their opinion whether it hurts or not. Also, you must become receptive to
their advice or opinion. You may find that their advice or opinion did not change your decisions but it is a great idea to become more receptive to different ways of thinking.
Inform your support system of the goals you hope to achieve and your perceived method by which you plan to perceive them. Also, create a check‐in system whereby there is scheduled communication between you and the members of your support system. You can update them on your progress such as the foods you’ve eaten during that week, the amount of money you’ve saved, and other noteworthy information that will help you stay on track as well as allowing them to hold you accountable.
Opposite of a healthy support system are negative influences. Unfortunately, these influences can come in the form of people and objects. You may come to realize that some people do not have your best interest at heart and that your accomplishments may actually shine a brighter light on their self‐perceived inadequacies. In any case, you must stay motivated and understand that those who truly care about you will always want what is best for you.

8. Substitute positive replacements for negative behaviors:
Most times, our resolutions include the actual resolution of old habits that were either dangerous or otherwise counteractive to the new goals that we have set. These behaviors may have kept us from completing other goals as well so now is the time to focus on the negative behaviors as if they were resolutions of their own. One of my issues was that while I usually worked up into the late night I would use food as comfort when I was stressed. I wasn’t hungry at all but I still continued to eat. In order to attempt to stop this behavior I looked at the things I ate during those hours such as ice cream and potato chips. Since the ice cream was the most harmful thing of all I decided to stop buying ice cream as frequently and to replace the regular potato chips with multigrain chips. I come to realize that I could do without the ice cream and potato chips and that the multigrain chips were perfectly fine. I had to resort to an alternative that I actually liked instead of evading the behavior altogether.
Most of our negative behaviors are habitual and are not a necessary component to our daily lives. Start by making a list of behaviors that you feel are counting negatively toward your success and list alternatives that can assist you in breaking those habits. You may have to try more than one option per negative behavior so do not give up on the first try. Once some or all of the negative behaviors have been resolved you will find it much easier to continue on with your other goals because you will now face less resistance.

9. Learn to use the smallest of accomplishments as motivation:

This is directly linked to having patience when pursuing your goals as well as learning to celebrate yourself as you proceed with the positive changes that you have promised to yourself. Often times we lose motivation when we do not see results as quickly as we should. It’s the “all or nothing” mentality in that we feel that the only time worthy of celebration is at the very end. If you enroll in college then the only goal is to get a diploma. When tackling weight loss you only see the prize when you’ve dropped those pesky 20 lbs that have kept you out of your favorite dress or pair of pants. It is very important to learn to celebrate the smallest of accomplishments that lead to your ultimate goal
because it adds fuel to your fire and helps to counteract the negative thinking that persuades us to give up. This year is all about results no matter the magnitude or size.
If your goal is to lose weight then take the time to understand that even changing and sticking to your new eating habits is a major accomplishment. Celebrate each day that you stay committed to the plan and find joy in each pound that you lose. This will keep your momentum at its highest levels and you will notice not only a change to your weight but you will undoubtedly see an increase in your self‐esteem and others will be able to see it in your walk and your body language. Apply this concept to every goal that you set. If your goal is to further your education then celebrate the completion of each course. If your goal is to save money then congratulate yourself for saving an extra $5. Also, if your goal is to be a better human being then give yourself a pat on the back even if all you did was give someone an honest and sincere smile.

10. Prepare yourself to embrace your new changes:

Believe it or not, great deals of people want to make positive changes but are not equipped to embrace the changes that are outside of our region of control. One of the rewards of positive change is that others begin to notice the changes as well. They may not know the exact nature of the changes but they can observe the change in how you treat yourself. You will exude confidence, maturity, and self control. Also, you will have taught yourself the valuable lesson of making yourself the priority when necessary. All of these attributes will indeed attract like‐minded people and sometimes we are not equipped for the newfound attention. Those who lose weight or become more fitness‐minded may become uncomfortable when they discover that people are paying more positive attention to their bodies and it is because that expectation may not have factored into the equation. This is just one example. You may also find yourself attracting a new type of wonderful opportunities based on your positive changes. Believe that you deserve those opportunities as reward for your hard work. Holding your head up high definitely will add to your visual appeal and will speak to the subconscious level of those that happen upon you. All of these changes will prove not to have been performed in vain and it is great when others can reward you for positive change just as you have rewarded yourself.

Now, I want to see you approach your newly-defined goals with an awesome plan, a great support system, and the outlook that allows you to see the victory line before you’ve attempted the first task. See you at the finish line!